Trump Touches Down; Craves Red Meat
Disclaimer: Don’t take this seriously.
Officials at the Blue House scrambled to avert a diplomatic crisis early on Tuesday as U.S. president Donald Trump flew from Japan to South Korea.
Several members of Trump’s entourage confirmed that the U.S. president had been left “seething” after seeing the menu for Tuesday’s state dinner with his South Korean counterpart Moon Jae-in. Trump was particularly rattled by the first course, described by the Blue House as “corn porridge accompanied by fresh herb and vegetable side dishes,” according to insiders aboard Air Force One.
“He was shouting ‘Make Mike Pence eat it!’ over and over,” said one advisor, speaking on condition of anonymity. Secretary of state Rex Tillerson is understood to have distracted Trump by showing him pictures of steaks while chief of staff John F. Kelly hid the president’s phone to prevent him from tweeting about the meal.
White House secret service personnel allegedly considered using a body double to sit in for Trump during the vegetable course, but Blue House chefs secured a compromise by taking out the fresh herbs, mixing the vegetables with spam, South Korea’s “national ham,” and deep-frying the mixture in golf ball-sized morsels.
Other reports indicated that Trump was unhappy with the small amount of red meat to be served in the third course of the dinner, equating it with “disrespect.” Again, he was placated when Blue House officials promised that refills would be available.
The triple chocolate cake to be served for dessert is seen as a concession to Trump’s preference for unambiguous classical Western fare.
“This is Moon’s way of acknowledging Trump as a powerful alpha male who gets the job done,” said Max C. Alories, a professor of culinary anthropology at the University of Hawaii. “It’s like a chunk of fossil fuel on a plate.”
Around lunchtime on Tuesday, Japan was drawn into the fray when further menu details from Cheongwadae revealed that shrimps from Dokdo would be served at the dinner. Japan’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs summoned South Korea’s ambassador in Tokyo to protest what it described as an “irresponsible provocation” designed to inflame territorial disputes at a time of regional tension.
Trump’s red meat anxiety ahead of his Asian tour has been the subject of rumors in Washington D.C. ever since a hot microphone caught him snapping, “They won’t make me eat bamboo shoots like a koala” to his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, in late October. “But the Asians love me,” he added.
ké explosé is a satirical news service from Korea Exposé.
Cover image: Donald Trump promotes Trump Steaks (Source: YouTube)